...yeah...

One time I said I would do these blogs filled with interesting things to see and do on the Internet every Saturday. I've never posted them on a Saturday since. So sue me.

First of all, it's Royal Wedding week. Still super psyched about it, even though people are starting to seriously make fun of me. I can't help it, I'm a sucker for a lavish wedding. Also, in case you missed last week's episode of The Middle, the mother, played by Patricia Heaton is also coo coo for the royal wedding and even said something that was almost a direct quote of what I said to Adam just a few days before. "She's arriving in a car and leaving in a carriage! It's like she's arriving a commoner and leaving a princess!!" Ok, maybe I do deserve to be made fun of! I may have gone totally batshit crazy. Anyway, what I'm trying to say in this rant is that this week I discovered that Kate Middleton has a sister named Pippa. PIPPA!! It's such a smarky name that I love it!! I want to change my middle name to Pippa. I want to bear a child and name it Pippa. I'm totally naming all 72 sea monkeys the kids got for Christmas that simply will NOT die, Pippa!! (all except for that dead one attached to one of the living ones. That guy is still named, Doug.) I love it.

I found out about Pippa from this article from Celebitchy. First let's just go ahead and put it out there because I know what you're thinking. Kate is definitely the hotter sister and that's probably why she landed the prince, (though you can't argue with the fact that Pippa has a pretty incredible set of legs) but from the article it sounds like Pippa is on a man hunt of her own. I like how it describes her and her friends as incestuous. It's actually how I think all celeb groups of friends are. Just keep screwing each other and only date from within your circle. There's gonna be a scandal sometime in the next two years and it's going to involve Pippa, a list of sexual partners and a trunk load of coke. You heard it here first.

This is a site I used to love to read all night long at work until such sites were blocked. It is Overheard In New York. From here you can also find Overheard In The Office, Overheard At The Beach and Overheard Everywhere. Some of the things you will find here will crack your shit up.

Texts From Last Night is another one of those blogs that you end up reading and then suddenly it's three hours later. There are so many of these that have made me think, oh god, I've been to that party. Or, "Yikes! I did that too...wonder if Jim remembers why I did that??" One of my favorite texts from the site is:  "We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it." I like to think the entire premise for the movie, The Hangover was based on this website. Classic.

To go along with Texts From Last Night is the After 12 link on Failblog. If you have a weak stomach for pictures of people puking, I probably wouldn't check this link out.

Conversations with a redneck

About 37 times a day I have the most bizzarre conversations with Adam. They started very early in our relationship. At one point I started writing them down but then quit about the time we got engaged because I feared if I ever looked back on what I had written down, and saw the crazy things that come out of his mouth, the whole marriage thing would end up being a deal breaker. Totally kidding, Adam!!!! (I'm totally not kidding).

Anyway, I came across one that I had actually documented from a few months ago and thought I would share.

Me: I want an electric blanket for Christmas.
Adam: No! They're dangerous. Don't you remember 'The Burning Bed'?
Me: That had nothing to do with an electric blanket and everything to do with the fact that she POURED GASOLINE ON HIM IN HIS SLEEP AND SET HIM ON FIRE.
Adam: Is that what it was about? I never saw it.
Me: OMG. Well if Michael Jackson wouldn't have died, you probably would have had MANY opportunities to see it on cable.
Adam: Why? Was Farrah Fawcett in it?
Me: .....

yeah...there's still no title here....

I was a bit too hungover and a bit too busy to do my usual Saturday blog about places to check out on the Internet. I apologize for that, however I am making it up to you now.

For this post of random things you can find on the Internet, I have decided to share with you some blogs that I enjoy reading. Some I have read for years, others are new.

The first blog is Dear Audrey. It is written by Julia Cho who's husband died suddenly at the age of 33 last July. She started it just a couple weeks later in order to help her through her grief and pain and as a way for their daughter to be able to look back and see her mother's memories. There is something about her feelings and grief that is familiar to me. I relate to it because of my own grief when my mom died, although her pain, I am sure is far deeper and more unimaginable, as it should be. She is a gifted writer.

The next two are pretty popular blogs that you may already be reading or have at least heard of. The first is Dooce. Heather Armstrong's writing style is one I would love to be able to duplicate. She rarely has a post that doesn't make me burst out a loud, "HA!" I keep meaning to pick up one or both of her books, but I never think about it when I'm out shopping and never think to ask for them as gifts. Whenever I'm asked what famous person I would like to have dinner with, either living or dead, I usually answer Robert Downey Jr., but adding Heather Armstrong to that invite list, would be AWESOME. Someone make that happen for me.

The second popular blog is one I haven't been reading too much in the last several months but it is a great one. It is Matt, Liz & Madeline. If you do not know Matt Logelin's story, it is a blog that Matt started to document he and Liz's "adventures" for family mostly who lived out of state while he and his wife were expecting their first child. Liz ended up on bed rest in the hospital for several weeks. An emergency c-section was performed on March 24, 2008. Because of complications Liz was kept from their new baby, Madeline and wasn't able to hold her. Twelve hours later on March 25th when she was finally able to get out of bed and see her new little girl Liz stood, looked in the mirror to fix her hair and was struck with a blood clot that travelled to her lungs and she quickly passed away. Matt kept his blog going and writes about his struggles as a single-father, widow and man just trying to raise his little girl as he and his wife would have. His blog has blown up around the world and Matt has found himself on Rachel Ray, Oprah and probably other shows I just can't think of. He has written a book called Two Kisses for Maddie and has started a foundation in his wife's name. Remarkable man.

If you are a child of the 80's then you have to check out this blog but do it only if you have at least an hour to spend on it. It is x-entertainment.com. This website is everything you want to see to remind you of the 80's. It's the commercials you watched during Saturday morning cartoons. Remember, "Honeycomb's big. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! It's not small. No! No! No!" Or commercials for Smurf pasta, Rolo, Chef Boyaree Hamburger Italiano, Cricket the talking doll, the old Krazy Glue commercials, that annoying Encyclopedia Brittanica kid, Speak n' Spell, the Twizzlers commercials with that red mouth, and Play-Doh Fun Factory. All of those commercials are there as well as pictures and posts about old McDonalds toys, their tray liners, discontinued sodas, Macy's Thanksgiving Day parades, ANYTHING. This site is addictive, promise.

*Insert clever, snarky title here

I've decided I want to write a blog post every Saturday and share with you some of the outrageous things you can check out on these here Internets. I want to call it something cool like "The Saturday Morning Funnies" or "The Shits" but I don't really like either of those names so we'll leave it un-named for now. If you can think of something clever, send it to me so I can steal it and call it my own. Kinda like what the Cookies BBQ Sauce Guy did to my dad. (So says dad. It's a cray story I'll save for another time)

So, I'm super pumped for the Royal Wedding coming up at the end of the month (true story). There's a lot of merchandise being sold with Willy & Kate's likeness. (it's ok, they TOTALLY let me call them that) FYI, I wouldn't be disappointed if the Easter Bunny left me one of these in my basket. OMG! I could totally store it next to my purple Princess Di Beanie Baby. Adam wrapped mine in saran wrap to protect it from...well I'm not really sure what he was thinking but it's been suffocating in there since about 2002.

If you haven't seen the Funny or Die video with Billy Crystal and Helen Mirren doing When Harry Met Sally 2. Do it! Added bonus, it's HELEN MIRREN for Christ's sake! She's like the hottest 66 year-old you'll ever know.

In case you didn't already know, I collect vintage Coca-Cola memorabilia. I have a pretty vast collection which for the most part is stored away because I simply don't have the room to display it. Karl Lagerfeld designed Diet Coke bottles, however?? Yes, ma'am! Gotta have 'em!

Man Cannot Remove His Tiny Hat. How this guy isn't one of my friends, I have no idea.

I just wanna go ahead and put this out there. Despite the fact that winter in our area seems to be over with, (FINALLY!) if at any time someone feels the need to physically remove snow from my yard, I won't be upset. Really.

Memories of my mom

Twelve years ago today my mom passed away. I think about her all the time. She had wanted to be a grandma so badly and it’s so sad that she never got to see her grandkids. Whenever one of the kids does something funny, or naughty or unbelievable I think, OMG. If mom were still alive she would be cracking up right now. Or the times when Blake does something naughty (you know, like all the time) I can just hear her saying, “Oh no! He wouldn’t do that!! Not my little buddy! He’s such a sweetheart!” Don't get me wrong, there would have been times she would have called him a “little shit” because that’s just how she was. She cussed like a sailor and I loved it. She got a lot of slack for it from some of her brothers. They would tell her she shouldn’t cuss so much but that’s just how she was.

Sometimes the kids channel her, I swear. When Emily was about three she was at my sister’s house helping to decorate the Christmas tree. The whole time she just wanted to put on the tinsel, asking, “Is it time now?” Now is it time?” Finally when it was all said and done and the tinsel was on and the tree was lit up, Emily stood back and said, “God damn, that’s pretty!!”

Every time Adam gets a new tattoo, talks about a new tattoo, or starts stretching the holes in his ears I hear mom saying, “Oh god damn. Don’t do that! That makes my teeth itch just thinking about it.” She would hate it if you touched your pierced ears--gave her the creeps. “If God wanted me to have holes in my ears he would have given them to me at birth!”

When I told my friends I was dating Adam they would say, “Adam?? That guy with all the piercings.” When I brought him home to meet the family I had to call my sister to have her warn mom. I didn’t want her sitting there staring at him.

“Uuhhh…I just wanted to warn you guys…Adam has a few…piercings.”

“Ok.”

“Like not in his ears.”

“Um. Ok.”

“His eyebrow is pierced.”

“Yeah…”
"His tongue."
"Uh-huh."

“And his lip.”

“K…”

“Twice.”

“I better warn mom.”

I was expecting a phone call or two about Adam after that first meeting. To my amazement Mom loved him. In fact she never even looked at him weird at all. I was shocked. A few months later when I got a job offer an hour away from home I called my mom with the news I was moving. “But what will you do with poor little Adam?” was all she was concerned about. “Well I’m taking him with me.” I said. “Good.”

Two days before she passed away was Easter. She was in the hospital at OSF St. Francis in Peoria and Adam, my sister and I drove up to see her. Adam was having issues with his sinuses and had us stop on the way out of town to pick up some sinus meds. It wasn’t until we were almost all the way to the hospital that Adam confessed he had taken four pills, instead of the recommended two. We weren’t in the room for very long before he PASSED. OUT. I was sorta mad at him. I kicked him in the leg and told him to wake up. My mom said, “Leave him alone! He’s tired! Let him sleep!”

“He’s only sleeping cuz he took twice as many sinus pills as he was supposed to!”

“Well he must have really been feeling bad then to take that many. Let him sleep.”

She totally defended him.

Once he woke up my mom put him to work.
“Hey hon? Would you come over here and scratch my back? God, it itches so bad!”

Adam sat there for a half hour scratching her back and never complained. He must have known she stuck up for him when he was passed out for two hours. Lol

Whenever I think of my mom I usually think of that last day we saw her, but there are also so many other memories I have. Usually they involve her doing or saying something crazy.  One time back in high school my best friend came over to help us clean out the attic. I think she got paid with my mom’s lasagna. Anyway, once you were up there you would have to walk side step next to the hole where the stairs come down to get over to where my mom was cleaning and organizing. When you did this you also had to walk hunched over with your head facing down to the downstairs because of the slope in the roof. There goes my mom in front of us and she says, “Oh I hate this! It makes my twat quiver!”

We have a pretty big extended family. My mom had eight brothers and sisters so that made for a lot of nieces and nephews for her and a shit ton of cousins for me. I think most all of them have some sort of Aunt Norlene story. All of them probably involve a card game or something raunchy, yet hilarious that came out of her mouth. Mostly likely both at the same time. Our family is big into playing cards, usually for cash, so whenever there is a get-together it always ends with a game or five of something. My mom was hilarious to listen to when we would play cards. She'd whisper curse words at you whenever you'd throw her a rotten card, or pick up a card she wanted or needed, or if you'd win the hand, or if she plain old thought you sucked.

"Oh, well goddamn, thank you for the two! You're just too, too kind."

"You sonofabitch! I knew you'd pick up that card."

"Well shit, that's not gonna work."

"What the fuck did you play that for?"

"Well my hand has gone to shit."

"I might as well shove these fucking cards up my ass. They'd do me about as much good."

She'd play dirty too if she had to. A little cheat here and there she never thought anything of it.

My mom used to do crafts and then travel to craft shows with a small group of her friends that also did crafts. Mostly near the Chicago area. Almost every night she would stay up really late painting ceramic Christmas villages or haunted houses, or whatever and watch movies. Usually the same movies over and over. Rain Man, Steel Magnolias, and the made for TV movie, Elvis and Me were some of her favorites. We lived with my grandma, my mom's mom.

I was a teenager so whenever I was home I was usually in my room with the door shut. Not so much to avoid my mom but mostly to avoid my grandma. Teens and grandmas don't really mix well. At least not me and mine. Once my grandma would go to bed I would come out of my hiding place and sit out in the living room, and hang out with mom while she did her crafts. She would be watching tv, or a movie and usually I would read whatever V.C. Andrews book I was into at the time. Once I got my driver's license mom would say, "Hey Amy, wanna make a run for the border?" Then she'd hand over the keys to the car and some money and I'd go to Taco Bell. Those nights just sitting there reading a book and chatting about whatever with my mom I think are the moments I miss the most.

I've only been to my mom's grave once since she passed away and that was on the day I got married. My sister insisted on going to put a bunch of daffodil's on her grave. They were her favorite flower and I had them in all of my bouquets. I just can't go there. It's not where my mom is. My mom is in my heart and in the million different memories I have of her. I think she'd understand.

Another Old Blog Post

This is a copy of a blog I posted on February 14, 2009. We ended up with a surplus of Valentine's so we took the kids to a local nursing home and passed them out to the residents. What follows is what happend on that trip.





We're Having Her Over For Pot Roast and Shots of SoCo Next Friday Night.

Our trip to the nursing home went rather smoothly. The entrance to the facility opened to a common room where there were about 10 or so residents. The kids somewhat shyly started passing out valentines and chocolate hearts. One of the first residents to greet us was a woman we soon found out was named Shirley. Shirley had the voice of James Earl Jones but seemed innocent enough. She came over and knelt down in front of Blake and started talking to him and praised us about how well behaved "the children" were.

"Just wait." I thought. "We've only been here 87 seconds." The kids kept passing out valentines and candy to those in the common room and Shirley followed behind talking the whole time about how much she loves "the children." Emily gave a valentine to a woman who looked to be one of the youngest in the place who was sitting on a couch, holding a baby doll. I imagined her taking it everywhere and freaking out if people touched it but soon enough Shirley was holding it and the woman seemed happy to get rid of it for a while. Maybe it was colicky.

So, after we were done in the common area we decided to mosey on to the patient floors. Shirley, carrying the baby, decided to tag along. When we exited the common area we came into sort of the "hub" of the place. There were more couches and chairs, a large atrium full of birds and three hallways to choose from filled with patient rooms. There were a few residents hanging out in the hub, however most of them were sleeping. One man was wide awake and apparently looking for some company. He kept saying, "HI! Hello. Hi there!" As we passed him Shirley very bluntly told him she wasn't talking to him. "I'm with these children. They are very precious to me." Then she apologized to us for talking that way. "I just need to be with these children right now. I haven't seen them in a while. They used to come all the time." About halfway through the first hall a nurse tried to get Shirley to leave us alone. "I know these people." She said. Adam turned to the nurse and told her it was ok, she was fine and that she was escorting us around the place. Shirley seemed satisfied with that answer and then her praise was all over Adam. "He's wonderful. He's got a big heart. How nice."

"We'll see how big you think his heart is, Shirley when he holds YOU down and tries to lick you face like a dog, turns the channel every 5.7 seconds, forces you to watch Knight Rider or when he takes the last Mt. Dew in the house. He's not so wonderful then."

We popped in and out of rooms all the while Shirley was either commenting on the temperature of the hallway or the patient room, or she was praising the children and talking about all the wonderful times she's spent with them in the past.

"Oh. It's cold in here."

"It's nice and warm out here."

"I remember the last time he came here (referring to Blake) and he came in and we just started running all over and everyone said, 'Oh, there goes Aunt Shirley running again!"

"It's chilly out here. It was warm in that room."

She told one nurse she'd known us for years. "Oh Shirley." She said. "You're always bringing your friends here." I guess we weren't the only long lost friends she's had come visit her.

When we were almost done, Shirley tried to give the baby to Emily. "Oh she doesn't need it. She has a lot of them." Adam told her. Good thing too. I don't need no colicky baby in the house.

When we were all done and as we started to walk out the door, some alarms started going off. In the third person Shirley said, "Oh, those go off all the time when Shirley's out here." Adam tracked down a nurse assuming we were supposed to enter some code on the keypad next to the door before we opened it.

"No. It's because of her." pointing to Shirley. She wears an alarm so we know if she's trying to go outside." Then she tried getting Shirley to go back inside. "I need to stay with the children. I'm with that little boy. He is so precious to me. My heart just went out to the children."

Happy Valentines day, Shirley.

Please keep your hands inside the ride at all times.

So, Tuesday afternoon I got a call from my sister that my dad had fallen down the escalator at JC Penney. He was almost at the top when he went to step off, lost his balance and fell backwards about 10 steps. He wasn't able to get to his feet quickly (who would, really) and the fun part about an escalator is that it continues to climb so he would tumble a couple step every time he reached the top. Finally someone got them stopped and a few employees were able to grab him and keep him from going backwards again.

The fire department was called and they were SOOOO HELPFUL! By SOOOO HELPFUL I mean they sucked ass. Basically they got my dad up on his feet and helped him get upstairs to finish his shopping. Yep, you read that right. They didn't check him over, didn't ask about any medical conditions, nothing. On Thursday my sister called them and asked them why this wasn't done. Their reasons were that 99% of the people who need help aren't wearing a medic alert and also that they aren't going to go digging in the shirt of someone who is conscious to see if they have a medic alert necklace. My sister said they should have at least asked if he had any medical conditions or medications he was taking. Of all people I would think the fire department and medics understand that when an incident happens, the victims are often times confused, embarrassed, shaken, etc. We're pretty sure if our dad had been asked about medications he would have thought about his blood thinner and how dangerous even a small bruise can be.

So, after my dad was so easily dismissed he drove himself to my sister's work, however she wasn't there, she was at a doctor's appointment. Her assistant was able to reach her cell phone and she met Dad at his apartment.

It had only been a couple hours since he had falling but by the time she saw him he was covered in huge black bruises. She took him to the ER where he checked out fine but they wanted to keep him overnight for observation.

The next day they were concerned about his bruises spreading so they marked around them and kept him another night. Thursday they had spread again by the afternoon and so they've given him a blood transfusion and kept him again last night. He was finally able to go home on Friday.

My sister and I have always compared our dad to Archie Bunker. While he is a pretty sweet guy he is also very opinionated when it comes to anyone of another gender, race or non-union. The relationship between my husband and him has increased 3000% since we got married but the first several years it was very much a Meathead/Archie type arrangement. Pretty sure my dad thought Adam was just some big dummy who married his little girl. But now that Adam works in construction for a company owned by one of my dad's oldest friends, even though they're non-union (the horror!) he has a new-found respect for him.

As an example, one late night I was watching All In The Family with my sister. I was actually in the hospital having just given birth to Emily and it was just Lisa and I. Archie was telling Meathead that his Lodge does not let in any Blacks but they do have a midget. Meathead told him that was prejudice and Archie said it wasn't--they put a step stool in front of the urinal so the midget has just as much chance of making it in there as everyone else. My sister and I were ROLLING! It was exactly something my dad would say. The next day we asked Dad, "Hey, do you have any blacks in your union?" Dad said, "No. Hell no!" (pretty sure that's incorrect, but might have been true the last time my dad went to a union meeting back in the 80's). "Well, do you have any midgets?"
"Yeah, sure we do!"
"Do you put a step-stool in front of the urinals for him?" (snicker)
"What? Hell, I don't know."
"You should. It's what Archie would do."